The DNA paternity test: to do or not to do?

Joseph has learnt that his longtime girlfriend, Mary, to whom he’s about to get married has recently missed her period. There’s no need for alarm, though, as this irregularity is not uncommon. But you don’t tell that to Joseph! He’s shaking in his boots right now knowing that this can only mean there’s a baby baking inside of his girl’s belly. That’s a big problem cos Jo could almost swear by his forefathers that he’s been patient, disciplined, and self-controlled enough not to reach for his woman’s secret places until the appointed time. “There’s no way by any stretch of the imagination that this child could be mine!” he’s thinking. Joseph is terribly distressed and disappointed. Up until this point, he had all the confidence in the world that no other man but he had bagged 100% rights to bringing Mary’s virginity story to a climactic conclusion. Suddenly, all that is no more!

That night, Joseph’s lying on his bed staring at the ceiling and contemplating his next move. Obviously, he’s got neither the benefit of WhatsApp to text one of his buddies for some advice, nor the internet to ask Google: what to do when your girl is pregnant and you didn’t do it! For all we know, he might be thoughtfully considering swinging by Nazareth Medical Center the following morning to schedule a counseling session, or perhaps to submit some samples, so that as soon as the baby shows up, a paternity test is conducted. Being the gentleman that he is, though, Joseph quietly swallows the hot potato and decides that he’ll secretly divorce Mary rather than make a public spectacle of the situation.

Moreover, Joseph isn’t suicidal as to slit his wrist or sip on a cocktail of rat poison and car-battery acid. That would certainly help speedily dissolve his already broken heart and knock him into the eternal dimension. Thankfully, it didn’t go that far. But who really knows if that’s something that crossed his mind!?

Later in night, Gabriel—the Almighty’s Minister of information and communications—descends and delivers a potentially life-saving message to Joseph. It’s a reassurance from the Almighty that the child is in fact His and that Joseph didn’t need to worry! “Phewks!” Joseph breathes a major sigh of relief. The memo from the Almighty is that, in a short while, Mary would bring forth the Savior of the world. In case you’re not aware, included in that package would be to save the world from the heartache of paternity contentions! In due time, Joseph goes ahead to marry his woman. Worth mentioning is that after the child is born, the marriage finally gets consummated. And that, ladies and gents, brought a ceremonious end to Mary’s virginity tale!

The DNA debate has been all the rage in Kampala, having spread like a wild fire in a few weeks and escalated to literally become something of a national issue. The spark was the story of a previously unknown gentleman called Ibrahim. Ibrahim Musisi was once a chubby healthy-looking guy until his estranged wife took away his one and only begotten child in whom he was well pleased! At the tender age of two years, the mother of the little girl abandoned her and Ibrahim, and he’s left to single-handedly care for the girl. He’s a pauper; doesn’t really earn much. He fights tooth and nail to raise the girl and put her through school, till the age of eleven when she’s abruptly taken away. Reason? He apparently isn’t the biological father! A DNA test has been carried out to decisively determine this.

All the dreams he vested in his girl have unexpectedly turned into a horrific nightmare that he unfortunately won’t wake from. Forget your daily workout at the gym; this single episode of drama has put Ibrahim through the wringer and resulted in him losing a massive 30kg from stress, in a matter of weeks. [Note this down somewhere!]

DNA, as your learned-self might already know, stands for Deo whatever-the-heck-that-word-is Acid. I just don’t understand why scientists always want to sound clever at our expense! Trust those folks to perpetually make life hard for us lay people. They could’ve picked something a lot simpler, like, DNA could’ve stood for Dat’s Not AchildOfYours. But, alas, the more complicated, the better!

Whereas the concept of DNA sequencing originated sometime in the 19th century, its initial application in solving crime became prominent with the advent of the CSI series in the early 2000’s. Remember that time when Horatio—the cocky CSI Miami agent with smug one-liners. I could swear that guy wore his dark designer shades to bed!—

Anyway, remember his investigation to find the person that attacked and fatally stabbed Gabriel Rodriguez? Of course you don’t, cos I don’t remember much either. But, well, the prime suspect was some fella called Hector, and though it was discovered that there were blood splatters on a shirt of his, a lab analysis of the blood samples showed a DNA mismatch with the victim. Hector was thus absolved of all suspicion. Again, in this case, DNA could’ve simply meant Did Not Attack!

Overtime, the applicability of this procedure has evolved to address issues of ancestry. However, this advancement in science may have just as much plunged a host of families into great disarray. With Ibrahim’s tragic story now acting as the gold standard, for many, the slightest hint of a discrepancy in physical appearance, temperament or mannerisms will drive them to want to visit the nearest DNA lab. Thankfully, the procedure costs some money, which’s a bit of a deterrent, but not enough. If anything, money is in fact a problem, cos just about anything in this republic has a price tag. Anything that involves obtaining some sort of end result has potential to be bought: political positions, jobs, sporting matches and, yup, DNA results! So, you don’t know for sure if the report the Doc read you was rigged or not!

Sometime back while visiting grandma’s original marital home in the eastern Ugandan district of Pallisa, my cousin and I took a hike to the lakeside. Lake Kyoga is a 25-minute stroll away. Along the way, we met a man who, right off the bat, I knew there was something interesting about him. Seems to me that he’s a fisherman, as he’s busy at his knitting station fixing a fishing net. After sharing a few pleasantries, I would like to know what his friends call him. You’re never gonna believe this! The guy’s name is—wait for it—Peter! As soon as I hear this, my brain lights up like a bulb cos I’m catching deja vu vibes of that other guy from Jesus’ day. What are the odds that you’ll come across a fisherman whose name is Peter!?

Even though my local dialect isn’t particularly top notch, Peter speaks good English. Our chat has quickly picked momentum, and it doesn’t matter that it’s sort of starting to sound more like an interview than a conversation.

“Peter, have you walked on water before?”, I ask. He gives me the blank stare and I realize that this might’ve been a hard one. I’m happy to tone it down and move to the next question.

“You seem like a good person, Peter,” I remarked, as he smiled. “And you don’t seem like a violent man at all. But have you ever sliced off anybody’s ear?” I inquired. He’s wearing a broad grin, but Peter’s evidently curious at the oddness of my questions. I’ve got just one more for him, though, before I squarely confirm his relation to Peter, the fisher of men!

“Do you know anyone called Emmanuel?” I asked, referring to Emmanuel the Son of God. “Yes!”, he exclaimed, “How did you know?”. “He’s my friend!” Peter said to me. Whether or not he understood the question, this was it for me! I got my answer and performing a DNA test on this guy would’ve been pointless. He’s undoubtedly a blood relative of Peter the Apostle.

So, in the matter of ascertaining blood relation, if you’re involved in a contest with your spouse about the kids, you much rather skip the test. After all, we’re all descendants of our father Abraham. Otherwise, you’re about to open a nasty can of worms, the results of which are gonna thrust you to the fringes of an epic mental breakdown. And, for good measure, one of you is set to lose 30 kilos, minimum, from some stress-related illness. Also, the kids will potentially turn their guns on you and start questioning why they were even born into your confusion, yet, God knows, there was an ounce of a chance of being Dangote’s kid in another life! Overall, deciding on which path to take is a bit like juggling raw eggs. However, it’s safer to be like Joseph and swallow your hot potato than trigger an irreversible avalanche of chaos.

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