Not many characters in Uganda’s political history have been quite as enigmatic as the country’s third President, Idi Amin. As Uganda’s top export ever—right up there above coffee and gold—there are more people in the world that know about him than they do about the country he ruled for eight long years. Amin was such a down-to-earth man; humble enough to crown himself, “His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.” As for “President for life”—well, turns out life had other plans.
Despite his heavy-handed rule, some of those that lived in his day say he was pragmatic and not as pretentious as the leaders of our day—what you saw is what you got! He was also known to be a naughty boy and, in addition to his long catalogue of hotties, he had the then-British monarch lighting up his radar. Rumor has swirled around that he once sent the Queen a note that read: “Dear Liz, if you want to know a real man, come to Uganda!”. Whatever he meant by that, I’ll leave to your wild imagination. However, the element of unpredictability made Idi Amin worse than a cross-eyed man, cos you just never know if the hot slap is flying towards your face or your neighbor’s. As such, one of the events that hallmarked his presidency was the banishing of the Asian community in Uganda after he apparently merely dreamt about it!
Of the many Asians that got expelled by the then-President, the Patel family was one such. The new FBI Director, Kash Patel, is a son of that family. Even though he was born a few years after his parents’ eventual relocation to the US; according to Ugandan culture, Kash is Ugandan—and we don’t care what the rest of the world thinks. As a matter of fact, he’s more Ugandan than Elizabeth Warren is Native American! If it weren’t for the eccentric Idi Amin, the Americans would’ve never had Kash. Therefore, it’s only logical that we cash in on his top role as head of the bureau.
In a functional society like Uganda, you’ll surprisingly run out of fingers and toes counting the myriad of mysteries that need to be investigated. And that, ladies and gents, is where Kash Patel comes in! If for any reason, it’s for the fact that we’re not particularly good at investigating ourselves. For instance, we’ll spend more investigating a money heist than the actual amount that got stolen. And in the end, there’ll still be no report. With the newly-minted Kash whose knack for sniffing out conspiracies is unmatched, his independent investigative flair would certainly come in handy. Here’s a couple of things he could look into:
Time keeping! Believe it or not, in Uganda there are two time zones: East African Time (EAT) and African Standard Time (AST). AST is EAT plus anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours or more, but generally varies depending on the character you’re dealing with. If a Ugandan says they’ll meet you at 9:00am, please clarify as to whether they mean EAT or AST. Still, remember to carry a novel and a snack cos the meeting time is more of a suggestion than a commitment. Kash Patel needs to investigate why we have multiple time zones!
Kash must look into the correlation between rain and traffic jams in Kampala. Once the skies open up, what often follows on the roads is pure mayhem. You’ve got the standard gridlock, then there’s the stinky sludge flowing on the road especially if you’re driving in places like the Industrial Area, then you have the drenched boda-boda riders weaving between lanes and calling you names of female body parts for not letting them squeeze through while inflicting scratches on your car as they go. To all that, add a chorus of honks for a soundtrack. Bottom line: when it rains, suddenly the entire city is late. Everyone’s going everywhere and they want to get there before everybody else!
On a positive note, there needs to be an investigation into why Ugandans are so hospitable. Whether it’s a meal or quacky story, the Ugandan people are happy to share. They’ve got a warm and welcoming vibe, and a guest will often be treated with genuine concern, which can sometimes appear to border on intrusion; cos the visitor might be asked how their chickens at home are doing and whether they’re laying eggs! Also, just because you’re taking a stroll through the community during meal time and somebody calls out to you saying, “jangu tulye” (come we share a meal), doesn’t mean you should take them literally—sometimes they’re simply being polite!
The FBI Chief has to institute an inquiry into the circumstances under which the cheap world-renowned Ugandan street-side rolex reigns supreme in taste and flavor above its expensive counterparts that are served at high-end restaurants. More importantly, he needs to systematically investigate why, after devouring the chapati-egg wrap, those few ounces of smokey lukewarm tomato juice that have streamed through the egg to the bottom of the polythene packaging taste like Heaven on earth! Any Ugandan of sound mind would trade their Wi-Fi password for a sip of this delectable juice that virtually brings the rolex-devouring ritual to a blissful conclusion.
Speaking of Wi-Fi, there’s also the bit about overpriced internet services in Uganda—the most expensive in the region. You’d literally have to trade your goat in the village to be able to afford a few days just checking your email and social media. I sold a chicken so I could publish this story.
As you can tell, the surface is barely scratched. In short, with Kash Patel at the helm of the bureau, Uganda has definitely hit a jackpot. We only have to position ourselves and roll out the red carpet for our boy, Kash, to come home and unravel some of these age-old mysteries!
Lol….