More stunning than his exceptional performance at the 2024 Olympics in Paris, Uganda’s golden boy, Joshua Cheptegei, has announced his retirement from track and field athletics. The planet’s top long-distance runner, whose feats of endurance even the wildebeests migrating across the Serengeti wouldn’t match, has decided to ditch the track and dive headfirst into the murky waters of Ugandan politics. Ladies and gents, please strap yourselves in for this: the Chep has got his eyeballs firmly locked on non-other than the juicy seat of Speaker of Parliament!

The jaw-dropping announcement literally sent shock waves into the atmosphere, consequently knocking the Deputy Speaker’s chopper out of the sky over the weekend. Hon. Thomas Tayebwa, the position’s other candidate, escaped the heli crash with no known injuries. However, the sheer experience of near-death left him with an exhausted cardiac muscle, wobbly knees, and the obvious need to immediately change into a fresh pair of underwear! Rumor has also been swirling around that since learning of Cheptegei’s new ambition, the reigning embattled Speaker, Anitah Among, has been shivering in her Louis Vuitton ankle boots. (Even figuratively she doesn’t do cheap footwear!)

Joshua Cheptegei is Uganda’s most decorated athlete with nearly a dozen gold medals fetched over a span of less than a decade.

Some other day we’ll open the wormy can of hair-raising conspiracy theories about helicopters crashes and high-ranking officials. What we know for now is that Joshua Cheptegei has crashed every field record there is, and quite literally brings a track-load of unique experience into the reality TV show that Ugandan politics is. In what might seems like an extrinsic switch, the two disciplines do actually have much in common, which’s why the Chep is a top contender for the job of Speaker and, therefore, can’t be underestimated.

Storming the (crime) scene at the height of a never-ending buffet of graft scandals emerging from the legislature, the country certainly needs a Speaker who would go the distance to moderate legislations that protect and favor the citizens. If you’ve never imagined running a distance twelve times the height of the Burj Khalifa lying on its side, in under 27 minutes, now you can. Cos Joshua gives you an idea of what it’s like. The world champ has proven time and again that he’s a man of endurance and would go the distance to deliver Ugandans to the promised land!

With the ruling NRM party having monopoly on the corruption market, potbellies—a universal symbol of greed—are commonplace in Uganda’s August House. Under Rt. Hon. Speaker Cheptegei’s regimented regime of grueling daily workout sessions, those potbellies would no-doubt be trimmed flat in a matter of weeks. Also, I’m confident he would develop a lean menu for the legislators and stringent policies whereby unhealthy habits like gobbling up what belongs to the people would be punishable by life imprisonment in a training camp; with the possibility of parole happening only after serving 25 years!

Berihu Aregawi of Ethiopia [left] and Grant Fisher [right] of the United States, pose for a photo with gold medalist Joshua Cheptegei, after the men’s 10,000-meter final at the 2024 Olympics in France. (AP Photo)

The looters in Uganda’s Parliament have caused quite a stir and have been the talk of the nation, lately. The Speaker, in particular, has been on the receiving end of stinging public scrutiny over corruption allegations. Truth be told, she’s been such a role model, in that she has inspired many youths. She has inspired them to storm the streets in protest and demand her resignation! Unlike the current regime of rotten apples, Cheptegei represents the kind of thief that Ugandans love: the Ugandan people generally appreciate a thief that is skilled at stealing their hearts rather than their money–and future.

In Uganda’s political landscape, which is a bit like a motivation factory, you’ll find the most intriguing quotes about determination, love for country, and not compromising on integrity—all nicely wrapped in a charade of stale 1986 bush war stories. Tell you what: if you own a hot-air balloon and want to inflate it in record time, just drop by Parliament and indulge a politician. Their speeches are always somewhere between 99.9% and 100% hot air! As a matter of fact, they seem to be more interested in the sound of their voices than they are in getting things done. The soft-spoken Cheptegei is a global phenomenon and is celebrated as a man of action. He’s got medals to show for it!

After a decade-long illustrious career, Joshua Cheptegei hangs up his boots gloriously at the tender age of 27. That might be more inspiring than the entire contingent of 500-plus leeches—commonly known as MPs—and a half-century-old shipwreck government of seniles that seem to be allergic to retirement.

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