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Satire

Opinion, Satire

How NOT to host the AFCON soccer tournament!

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The last time Kenya’s Harambee Stars appeared in the AFCON after so many years was in 2019. Except their stars didn’t shine bright enough for them to see beyond the group stages. Same for Tanzania–2019! On the other hand, Uganda’s national soccer team, The Cranes, don’t even know what the rest of you are talking about. Their last flight to those heights was way back in 1978!

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Monday, 16th October, 2023
4
4056
People, Satire

I dumped my barber!

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So far as I can tell, the sequence of events is that after your haircut, the barber dispatches you to a different station where you’re received by a lady who’ll be giving you the complimentary facial treatment. She’ll also be serving you a thorough massage to the head, neck, shoulders, plus your—uhm—see, right there is where this stuff gets a bit sticky!

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Saturday, 30th September, 2023
16
7086
Cuisine, Satire

The legacy of Rolex!

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The cheap limited edition comes with an iconic smokey, rusty taste that is derived from the often sooty pan on which it’s prepared. The smoke rising from the charcoal stove delicately sips into the omelette and is a fundamentally vital ingredient that can’t be taken for granted, cos you’ll never find that distinctive flavor in the neatly-made rolexes.

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Saturday, 16th September, 2023
16
5105
Opinion, Satire

Modern cannibalism: hello, nice to eat you!

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Cannibalism in itself has existed since ancient times, but has predominantly been practiced as a spiritual ritual or in the desperate times of famine rather than as a socially acceptable lifestyle. So, technically, human meat has been lurking in the shadows until now when the idea of normalizing its consumption is subtly crawling to the forefront.

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Monday, 28th August, 2023
5
6628
Satire

Uganda to World Bank: our bottoms are not up for grabs!

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Postcolonial Africa has largely been the playground for the western world in the aspect of scrambling for, partitioning and exploitation of the continent’s vast natural resources at the expense of its citizens. With the emphatic arrival of the West’s nemeses, Russia and China, at the poker table, the landscape may have been altered for the better.

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Sunday, 13th August, 2023
18
5636
Satire

The DNA paternity test: to do or not to do?

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“There’s no way by any stretch of the imagination that this child could be mine!” he’s thinking. Joseph is terribly disappointed. Up until this point, he had all the confidence in the world that no other man but he had bagged 100% rights to bringing Mary’s virginity story to a climactic conclusion. Suddenly, all that is no more!

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Saturday, 15th July, 2023
17
3240
Satire

Visiting the ghosts of the Titanic!

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I have great confidence that, henceforth, there will be more billionaires joining Elon Musk in exploring the vastness of outer space than there will be that dare to even board their own super yachts, lest the ghosts of the Titanic invite them to dinner without warning!

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Monday, 26th June, 2023
13
6167
Opinion, Satire

As a martyr of fact!

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Finally, after many have left, this place gradually returns to its usual serene self; perhaps accommodating the occasional stranded pilgrims who conveniently don’t seem to remember the way that led them to the site. Or they simply gave up their return fare the previous night in exchange for some pieces of juicy chicken thigh at Rasta’s grill.

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Saturday, 3rd June, 2023
4
3305
Satire

When the bodyguard puts his master to sleep!

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Henceforth, the Ministers will naturally be inclined to splash cash at their bodyguards without stopping to count; and will regularly tell their protectors how they’ll always love them. Also, like their masters’ little brats, the bodyguards’ kids can now finally relish a sausage fest at every breakfast and enjoy freshly-baked bread with Nutella spread on one side and orange marmalade on the other.

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Friday, 5th May, 2023
8
2528
Opinion, Satire

The Expressway to the afterlife!

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As you progress above 100kph, the steering wheel starts to feel weightless. You then get this sense that anytime now, you’re approaching that point where a slight distraction could cause you to get airborne. Even so, still you’ll find an extremely brave motorist flying past you at 130kph, and they’re driving a one-ton Toyota-IST.

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Monday, 1st May, 2023
4
2523
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